walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
