We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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