I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Watching her eat just hurts me
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
