im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
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Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
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That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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