i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
It was confusing and full of hummus
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Randomize
