Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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