if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
