But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Randomize
