just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
