ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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