Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
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What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
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The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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