if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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