I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
