he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
