margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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