if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
