Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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