Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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