If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
