There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
