i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
