You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
