Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
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