he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I'm passing your future prison.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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