im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
