capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
