the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
