Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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