So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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