Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
