Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
