she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
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