His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
