I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
