it's not cheating when I paid for it
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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