Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
