literally had 100 drinks last night.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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