rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
