One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
zippers are such a cool invention
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
