woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
