Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
