My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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