They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
