Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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