I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
