You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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