is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
