there's paper in my vomit.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
