i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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