A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
