She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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