I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
