Pappa wants mamma naked
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
