I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
