Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
