Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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